I was thinking a lot the last few days about how life is so different than you ever expect it to be. The twists and the turns, where you go, who you meet and the path you take are sometimes not even close to what you imagine for yourself.
Growing up, I onlyever pictured myself as a mother and wife. I didn’t have any aspirations to be a doctor, lawyer, or any occupation beside being a mom. Motherhood was my dream and I couldn’t wait to be a mom. When Hunter came to our family, I remember being just overjoyed. I didn’t want to ever put him down. I wanted to hold him and snuggle him but Hunter had other ideas. Hunter wanted NOTHING to do with the snuggling and the cuddling. I knew he needed me but he needed me in a different way than I expected him to need me.
Each of our children are different in that way. Each of them have different needs and need different ways of mothering that is perfect for them. Hunter needs a strong but empathetic mom who let him fly but was there when he fell. Hayden needs a patient but soft spoken mom that is rationale and calm. Bryson needs a care giver and a nurturer as well as positive and optimistic. SO many different qualities – some I have, some I have developed out of necessity and some I still am working on. But the Lord compensates me in the areas I am deficient. He knows me and He knows my children and helps me to know what they need.
The biggest example of this was when Bryson was 5. The other boys were 6 and almost 8 respectively. At the time, Bryson still really battled his asthma and other pulmonary issues. He would, and still does, not ever cough or wheeze if he was symptomatic. He would just go about his business until his body would get so tired from working to breathe that he would go to sleep and stop breathing. These episodes were the scariest because as the care giver, you would have to decipher quickly if he was just indeed tired or if he was in trouble. One day, while they were at school, Bryson was in his class and the lights were off to watch a movie. While watching the movie, Bryson fell asleep. No one knew, not even me, that he was in serious trouble. In that exact moment, while sitting with Brian having lunch, an overwhelming engulfed me and I heard the words as clear as someone talking to me “Go to the school”. I told Brian and something on my face must have let him know that this was serious, perhaps the Spirit let him know that we needed to go as well but we just got up and left, heading straight for the school. In the meantime, at the school, one of the helpers who is also LDS says that she heard a voice as clear as someone speaking to her tell her to go check on Bryson. She got up, went to him, discovered that he wasn’t breathing, picked him up in her arms and ran with him to the nurse’s office. By the time Brian and I arrived, Bryson was loaded on an AirVac heading to the hospital. Many people asked me how did we know to just come to the school and I had no explanation except that where my children are concerned I have tried to also stay connected to them and follow the Spirit because I knew in those tender mercy moments the Spirit was the only thing that would help me figure out what they needed.
The reason I am recounting all of this is because I am so humbled and filled with gratitude today for the tender sweet promptings of a Heavenly Father who knows me and knows my children. Most of those close to me know that having Elder May leave on his mission is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. It has truly been an act of pure obedience because I have really struggled, REALLYstruggled. But yesterday, I had a few very special moments in which I was able to help my 19-year old son once again find his way, know that what was in store for him was customized by the Lord just for him and say the words that he needed to hear in those moments. Through a multitude of circumstances, rapid pleading prayers, and help from my wonderful husband, I had about 5 minutes to help Elder May understand and wrap his head around some obstacles he has been and is about to face. I was grateful and am grateful that I listened to the Spirit throughout the day leading up to that conversation of emails. I am grateful I was able to focus on what and where I was and be in tune just enough to hear through all the other going-ons of the day to feel the gift of motherhood and once again, let the Lord fill in where I am lacking to encourage and uplift my son when he needed it the most thus far.
To say that I am grateful for this gift is like to say I am grateful for air to breath. Words cannot express how full my heart is and how overwhelmed I am with the love of my Heavenly Father. I am grateful for a husband who honors his priesthood and has helped teach our 3 boys to be valiant young men and righteous men. I am grateful for my 3 boys who continue to teach me through their examples and through unconditional love and respect for me.
I KNOW Heavenly Father knows me. I KNOW that He loves me. I KNOW He knows where I am deficient and I KNOW that He fills in the gaps for those deficiencies. I KNOW that I am a daughter of God. I am truly blessed and I am eternally grateful for all the different twists and turns in my life that allowed me to be in this moment now.
